The Bible says and demonstrates over and over that God’s ways are mysterious. That is surprising, amazing and disappointing. Know why? Because we long for God to be predictable and in a box. Now, I know you are shaking your head and saying “uh, uh. Not me.” But when we ask God for that neon sign in the sky or full disclosure of where He’s taking us, we are saying we want predictability and not the full ride of mystery.
You’ve been journeying with me as I’ve struggled through a very important decision in my life. I confess that I have wanted clear directions from God. The mystery was driving me crazy and making me doubt I was hearing from God. I realized this morning that I wanted Him to be predictable and in a box, even though I was saying that I want the God who is bigger than me and sees all that I cannot see.
When we trust the God of mystery, then we have to trust Him each minute because He holds our future and we trust Him with that! But, when we want to see the next ten steps, we aren’t trusting God in the same way. Because then when we can see 10 steps ahead, we can trust ourselves for the very next step. We are less dependent on God when we see the next ten steps than we are when we only see the next step.
I had lunch with Lynn who has become such a dear friend over the last year. God has clearly brought us together and our paths at this time in our life (actually in most of our lives) have been oddly parallel. So, we were discussing God and His nature at lunch. One of her friends told her that sometimes we see God too linearly. But sometimes His plans are like a chess game. He calls us to take the next step. That does not always bring exactly the anticipated second step, because your next step could cause a change around you that makes your second step different than you anticipated.
For 10 years in the 1990’s I worked as a financial analyst for Scientific Atlanta. I was laid off due to God’s hand in the process. If you heard the story, you’d marvel as we did! God had been calling me into ministry for several years until I forced His hand one evening – careful what you dare God to do! 
9 years later, as I sensed God was calling me to a new ministry serving churches, I contacted my old boss and asked if they ever needed part time analysts. He said yes! So, I became a contractor for ViaSat on an as needed basis. I did that for a year. I then launched out into my new ministry and continued to help out ViaSat as I could. My contract position at ViaSat funded my ministry and enabled me to go to help smaller churches for free. Work began to increase and I was able to bring on an employee. Then about 9 months ago we received a new boss. T and I worked long hard hours as they entrusted us with the finances of their largest, most strategic jobs in-house. But with that came increase hours, responsibilities, etc…
This all worked well until June of this year. In June I sensed God saying “You are doing too much. ViaSat was my provision for a time, but it is no longer my provision.” I panicked. What? My calling was to the smaller churches, without this provision I would not be able to go and do what I was called to do. In addition, we needed the income. As you can imagine, I began seeking God, wise counsel of godly friends and colleagues, etc… But, I also plugged my ears and kept doing what I was doing.
In the meantime, work at ViaSat was becoming difficult. It was consuming more and more of my time and I met several times with my new boss to discuss the heavy workload. We met in March, April and May and nothing changed. Fast forward to the end of July and beginning of August. Everything was out of hand. I sent my boss an email that we could not get the financial closing for July done. We were limited by there being only 24 hours in a day – too much to do. He never replied to my email. So, we got through the monthly financial closing and I took a week off to seek God. By now, God was speaking very loudly and clearly, and this time He said “You are divided. Until you quit, I will not reveal to you what is next.” I absolutely panicked! “Quit? Are you kidding me? No, seriously God, come again? Because I thought you said QUIT. Let me remove the cotton from my ears, because I thought you said QUIT.”
I began to panic. How on earth was I supposed to quit? What I really wanted was for God to reveal to me the next 6 months and then I would decide what to do. But what God was saying was I expect you to trust me. Then, He said something I’ve never heard Him say in these kinds of regards… “I am sick of this. I told you in June. Now… either you do this or I will. And, you’re gonna quit or I’m going to punish you.” My response? “Okay, now you’ve got my attention. Punishment? HUH?” So, I quit.
I want to press pause here and say that this is the point in the story that I began this post with. I asked 12 people to be praying very specifically about this situation – my email was titled PRAYERS NEEDED!!!!!!!!. 10 women, 2 men. Many of the women had one similar answer, but the men came up with a very different answer. The women were thinking linearly and the men were thinking about the chess game.
So, I quit. I was unprepared for the effort that ensued to keep me at ViaSat. The effort resulted in an answer to my prayer. Thinking linearly, I began to question all kinds of things. Had I heard correctly from God? Was I just thinking He wanted me gone because I wanted to be gone? Anxiety set in and I found myself unable to make a decision. The women clearly saw the answer. The men, not so clearly. The men said “Did God ask you to quit or leave?” Because if He asked you to quit and you did, you have been obedient, and now He is working all things out for you to stay and for Him to continue to provide for the ministry. If He asked you to leave then you have to leave.”
Do you see the difference? When we think linearly, we think quitting means X, Y and Z. When we think outside of that, we realize that God can say quit, then that obedience can lead to a change in the circumstance that He is working through your obedience. He might never have meant leave. Your obedience might put in place the changes needed for Him to continue to provide. Abraham faced this in Genesis 22. “Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.” Thinking linearly, we know that Isaac is dead. But God isn’t in a box. It was when Abraham demonstrated his obedience that God said WAIT, here is my provision. Abraham did not actually sacrifice Isaac literally that day. Thinking linearly, you might say that God failed. Thinking outside the box, you realize that God never intended Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He intended to test his faith and his obedience. Abraham learned a lot about himself through this and about His God.
I have done the same. Last week as I pondered the wise words of these men, I realized that they could very well be right. All of this could have put in play the change that God expected from ViaSat so He could continue His provision for the ministry. Then, I began to fret about something different. If I believed that, I knew that some of the women who had been praying for me wouldn’t buy it. That they had decided I should go and would believe that I would be selling out if I stayed. So, I actually began to worry about what would happen if I stayed. I knew that the women would be upset with me. How would I explain that God had revealed the next thing and it wasn’t what they thought, heck, it wasn’t what I thought either? I was pretty sure they wouldn’t believe me. I wondered how I would prove it to them? How would I be able to make them understand that this is what God was saying NOW? I wondered if they would think I was lying to not have to do the hard thing.
I spent last week full of fear, anxiety and trepidation (thanks for that word, Lynn). What if I’m wrong? What if they think I’ve sold out? Am I hearing from God? I was also still unsure what God was saying. I begged God to speak. I asked for a neon sign in the sky, an email, a text message, a letter in the mail. I begged. I asked Eddie every 20 minutes or so if He had heard a word from God. It was insanity!
So, I went in this week. Just 2 hours before my meeting I was still unsure what I was going to do. Partly I was angry at God for speaking so clearly and then so silently. Of course, with all the voices in my head going and all the other noise around me, I had made it virtually impossible for God to speak! How like me!
It came time for the meeting. I actually had prepared the YES and the NO and had both with me. Is that hilarious or sad? I think God was cracking up! My own personal Urim and Thummim! Casting lots. (that was for all of my Disciple peeps!) I was leaning one way.
I had a 3:00 meeting with my boss. My boss had another meeting during our meeting time. I don’t know that it actually was scheduled over and on top of it or if it was one that ran long, or what. But, I kept going by his office until 3:45. He never called to say “Hey, this came up, let’s reschedule” and he never stepped out to find me to say hang on. I felt like 45 minutes was fair to pace around his office and give him. Then, at 3:45 I had a call from a pastor asking me to preach a two week sermon in November. Here is a portion of what my friend, Lynn said (with a little embellishment from me) “Isn’t it cool that when your boss was standing you up, your real Boss was showing you the next thing?” My boss sent me an email around 5:30 letting me know he couldn’t make the meeting and requesting another meeting on Monday. I had just left for the day. The cool thing is that we will meet on Monday, but I won’t be spending these next 5 days anxious and worried. Because God is in charge.
God finishes big all the time, doesn’t He? Are you in awe of Him? I am. I woke up at 4:00am this morning and God was revealing a lot to me. I am certain that God expected me to go through this – all of this. He wanted to show me some things about myself and He also wanted to let me know what He expected to change in me. Whenever I go through difficult things I ask God to reveal to me the lesson He expected me to take from it and what character changes He expects from me. Well, this is my biggest one yet. God has revealed a number of changes He expects. It isn’t going to be easy, but I’d rather be with Him and traveling together than not! I’m going to post soon on some of those changes.
